"For Sweden" (rallybeetle)
04/22/2015 at 19:12 • Filed to: Subways, public transit, raillopnik, trainlopnik, gawker mad libs, satire
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"For Sweden" (rallybeetle)
04/22/2015 at 19:12 • Filed to: Subways, public transit, raillopnik, trainlopnik, gawker mad libs, satire | 9
| 22 |
There is nothing more unsettling than being in a strange city—or a strip mall, or a bus terminal—and getting a big whiff of the distinctly disgusting smell of a subway train stop. It is a gross and bad and terrible place. I would be thrilled if the line went under tomorrow. I hate it. I hate it so much! Its trains don’t even run on time, and it’s buskers bad jingles that get stuck in your head forever. Everything about this place is bad.
To be honest, most of my Oppositelock colleagues disagree with me on this matter, but it’s okay, we’re all still friends. Not everyone can be right all of the time.
I feel very strongly about this. You see, part of the problem is that subways masquerades as healthy transportation. It’s just not. A key part of its advertising campaign is falsely telling fat people that if they just take the subway for all of their trips, they will never be fat again. That doesn’t work if you’re sitting on a plastic bench three times a day! I know about MTA. Everyone in America knows MTA. If I say “George,” you think “Bush.” If I say “Barbara,” you think “Walters.” And if I say “MTA,” you think “New York City Subway MTA.” They move a fuckload of weight and gained a career shilling bad transportation, and they’re a big enough deal to have been lampooned in The Warriors. MTA is as American as baseball or the Weinermobile or the death penalty. They suck, too.
Consider the following facts:
The people are salty.
The people are slimy.
The people are sweaty.
The people are wilted.
The type of people are cold and terrible.
The people are mealy.
Subway riders are cause for concern.
Subway police are cause for concern.
Buskers?????????
People sitting in their own juice for extended periods of time.
The people are terrible.
There aren’t even many seating options.
The tracks, too, are a problem: the biggest problem, in fact. First of all, they’re too electric and hard to escape from. Second, when you fall on them no one helps you. Third, if you want a nice seat, you have to get to the front of the line, and someone behind you will throw you onto the tracks so they can get to the front of the line. That’s not how transit is supposed to work. That’s how “every man for him self and screw you” works. The thought of all this is making my stomach upset, and I’m not even smelling the smell, which is probably caused by the uncleaned vomit, and in any event immediately puts me in a bad place.
Also, don’t use their night service. I love after-dark trips, but the concept of a mass-transit after dark is disturbing. Seriously, if you’re out after dark and heading down the steps to the platform, you need to reconsider your life choices.
Let’s talk about the names for these subways for a second, too. A? What does the A
entail, and what exactly is A about it?
Ooohhh, first letter of the alphabet!
Where is the Crosstown Express in such a hurry to get to? Staten Island Railroad? Mama mia! PATH? Of course it’s a path; it’s ground transportation! I’m already shitting my pants.
According to their website, there are 34 subways in 5 different boroughs. You can get dat Tube in London, home to 11 subway lines. You can cop some feels in Washington, which has 6 subways. Or you can find a spicy Italian in Philadelphia, where there are only three, albeit three more than Philidelphia should have. Lille has 2, and Lille is tiny. Something is wrong here. These things don’t add up. The last thing I would want if I were in Paris (subway count: sixteen), is a cold hand on my butt that I can find an exact replica of in Sri Lanka, Slovenia, Guam, and Honduras. Terrible transit does not transcend borders. Transit that claims to is not trustworthy. At least with busses or ferries, they’re not pretending to be healthy, and there is at least some distinct variation in the service from country to country. Also, they don’t smell the same everywhere. That’s truly the worst part of the whole thing. Get in a car and drive somewhere else. Fuck subways.
scoob
> For Sweden
04/22/2015 at 19:16 |
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dogisbadob
> For Sweden
04/22/2015 at 19:17 |
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The subway is awesome because there’s an entire city *underneath* replete with stores and shit. I mean, you don’t even have to go above ground!
Brian Silvestro
> For Sweden
04/22/2015 at 19:17 |
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I would 100% use the subway to get to work every day then have to deal with a commute in a car. It ruins driving, commuting. Ruins opinions on cars. I start to hate my car after driving nothing but shitty city streets and boring straight highways.
Rico
> For Sweden
04/22/2015 at 19:18 |
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You live in NY?
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For Sweden
> Rico
04/22/2015 at 19:18 |
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No. There but for the Grace of God.
Cé hé sin
> For Sweden
04/22/2015 at 19:20 |
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As it happens, I’ve been in the Tunnelbana in Stockholm. It’s fine, as these things go.
Brian, The Life of
> For Sweden
04/22/2015 at 19:22 |
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I’m liking this new (? - I just recently noticed it at least) thing you are doing. A lot.
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Rico
> For Sweden
04/22/2015 at 19:22 |
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Ah I was gonna say lets get a fuckin beer man, you post good shit.
yamahog
> For Sweden
04/22/2015 at 19:23 |
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If you’re talking MTA, don’t worry, it hates you too.
CB
> For Sweden
04/22/2015 at 19:25 |
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Dude, just ride the TTC in Toronto. It’s a fun place to be. If you hate everything.
I can only imagine the levels of terrible Ottawa’s LRT is going to become.
tromoly
> For Sweden
04/22/2015 at 19:41 |
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You win the Internets for the day. Nicely done.
user314
> For Sweden
04/22/2015 at 20:11 |
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Hey man, Santa rides the subway, so if it’s good enough for Kris Kringle, it’s good enough for me
Technically, the
T
has very little “sub” in it’s “way”, but it does go under the Allegheny River!
Drakkon- Most Glorious and Upright Person of Genius
> For Sweden
04/22/2015 at 22:11 |
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Best Cards Against Humanity Q&A ever:
-What’s that smell?
-Poor life choices.
Jcarr
> For Sweden
04/22/2015 at 22:24 |
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People sitting in their own juice for extended periods of time.
I, as the kids say, lol’d.
pip bip - choose Corrour
> For Sweden
04/22/2015 at 23:15 |
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you think NYC is bad , try Melbourne Australia!
that sucks , and yes i’ve been in NYC and it is infinitely better than Melbourne.
how you ask?
Melbourne still doesn’t have a rail connection to the airport.
ffs people how hard can it be really to build a line to the airport!
turbojames
> For Sweden
04/23/2015 at 07:01 |
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The London Underground however is terrific, unlike the NYC subways which have a shittiness factor of over 9000
CallMeTURBO
> turbojames
04/23/2015 at 10:28 |
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Yeah I much preferred the tube over any of the other subways I’ve been on.
Easy to figure out (the large multicolored and easily named lines help), well lit, and pretty reliable.
Much preferred over the busses
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turbojames
> CallMeTURBO
04/23/2015 at 17:17 |
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On that same trip to London I was on a double decker bus for a half hour trip to the (thouroughly disappointing) Cutty Sark. Little did I know I could have taken the same amount of time and gone 30 min outside of London and gone to the Mclaren Technology Centre in Woking :(
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CallMeTURBO
> turbojames
04/23/2015 at 17:25 |
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I know that feels man, I was living in London for 4 months and did countless crappy prepaid tours through my school. It was a shame what little free time I had was taken up by that instead of exploring more on my own
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turbojames
> CallMeTURBO
04/23/2015 at 17:32 |
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And at that time I knew the MTC was in Woking, I just thought Woking was somewhere out in middle England. As for the double decker, it was pretty comfortable, not luxurious obviously but pretty nice
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CallMeTURBO
> turbojames
04/23/2015 at 17:47 |
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yeah I never knew woking was that close to london, and yeah the double deckers weren’t bad, but relying on them to commute to my internship every morning was a task
HammerheadFistpunch
> For Sweden
04/30/2015 at 23:35 |
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I just got around to reading this and its amazing.